LOOTCH

Type: Bar/Club
Address: Bolshaya Pirogovskaya ul., 28
Phone: 287-0022
Web: www.luchbar.ru

Sportivnaya

Price: 2000 rub p/p


Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

 

To set the record straight, I hate “pafos”, “glamur” and loud house music. So why the hell did I give this place 0.5 stars?

To give you a background, Lootch is a new bar, which has opened up in the business centre “Lootch”, which is basically a reconstruction of a pre-revolutionary light bulb factory (hence Lootch). It positions itself as a suave cocktail bar for professionals and business-people.

The interior design is quite luxurious—from statues, to artwork, right down to the big, comfortable armchairs you sit in. The ceiling in the main area is about 15 meters high, plus, there’s a mezzanine floor, so plenty of room.

The thing that sets this place apart is the quality. Therefore, when you pay a ludicrous 400 rubles for a simple cocktail, you don’t feel like you’re getting screwed! In fact, I was so content here to spend my hard earned money, that I even managed to get drunk! That’s an expensive feat here!

Coupled with this is the atmosphere. The huge long bar, the loft-style interior… One time I sat upstairs with my girlfriend. I had the most comfortable armchair I even sat on in any restaurant in the world. Though the music is a bit loud, I still managed to have a fairly detailed conversation with my girlfriend, and could hear most of what she was saying… After 3am (at least I think it was 3am), they start playing jazz. This earned Lootch an automatic extra star.(Right: Mine is the chair on the left. Do not take it on a Saturday night or I'll throw you off the balcony)

The service isn’t too bad either. Can be a little slow with the drinks, but when you’ve got so many people, all ordering cocktails, it can be understood.

No face control

They don’t ask for “depoziti” when you order a table!

The interesting thing is, that when I’m at Lootch, I don’t feel like I’m in Russia. There’s a distinct Western feel about it. I’m not saying I don’t like being in Russia, but when you’re spending this much money, you do expect something world class!

Probably not worth eating here though. Unless you really like “fusion”. Personally, I prefer "food".

(The Moscow Sushi Cocktail - popular among Russian girls... Thankfully NOT on the menu at Lootch)

PARIZHSK

Type: French
Address: Zubovsky Bul., 13/2
Phone: 8 499 255-29-12
Web: www.parizhsk.ru

Park Kultury


                                                               Price: 800 rub p/p

                                                               Shit-o-meter: minus 4.75 

On behalf of the Russian Federation and all its inhabitants I would like to formally apologise to the French Republic - to its people, its history, its culture and its very identity. What is the reason for this apology?

Welcome to Parizhsk! The ultimate insult to every French person who's ever walked the planet! Although I personally love insulting French people - Parizhsk really takes it too far. Surely the Russians can't still be holding a grudge against the French... 1812 was so long ago!

Parizhsk is a fusion of Russian and French cuisine. Such a fusion is made possible by two main ingredients and concepts in French/Russian kitchen - "Putain" and "Merde". Combine those vital concepts and you've got "Parizhsk"! Though, to be fair, for this review, we will call the restaurant "sk", because (other than the pointless French words painted on the wall) this is a Russian restaurant.

What does one think of when conjuring up the image of French food? For me it's like this:

Baguette
Cordon Bleu
Bourguignon
Foie Gras (pictured right - at Parizhsk)
Potatoes au gratin
Quiche
Crepes
Ratatouille etc...
(Snails and frogs' legs are more of a stereotype than anything)

Now let us browse the menu of "Sk" to see what they offer:

Sandwiches - good! Should be on a nice crispy fresh baguette... NO! The bread is fucking stale! And it's a simple white loaf - a piece so small, that I'm sure they had to get it custom made.
A bunch of salads with French-sounding names - who gives a shit about salad?
Cheese plate - big deal
Carpaccio - I thought it was Italian
Caprese - Italian
Ogurtsy
Seledka
Borsch
Chicken wings with BBQ sauce
Traditional French onion soup - I can get potato chips which taste more like French onion than this
Then there's a bunch of stuff like "Svinnaya vyrezka", "File lososya".

Anyone see a pattern?

And another thing - French service - it might be surly, but it's f*cking good. Now try walking in the door at "Sk". The waiters see you coming, turn their backs and start walking the other way!

If you come here, don't be fooled by the Russian mind fuck! We ordered three beers. Two were cold, one was warm. We sent it back, said it was warm and asked for a cold one. I'll give you three guesses as to what they brought:
a) A more expensive beer
b) Another warm beer
c) Nothing... for half an hour

To their credit it could've been all three, but it wasn't. The answer is b) Not being able to stoop so low to comprehend their retarded logic we chose not to argue, and just drank the damn thing. After all - we're in a Moscow restaurant so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK WHAT YOU GET YOU FUCKHEAD!

And this place is in operation for 5 years. Makes me want to nuke someone.

I've actually been here a few times, and one of those times I was moderately satisfied. I'm thinking of giving Parizhsk a minus 5, but I can't say that it sinks to the level of Coffee House. Not quite. It gets a Minus 4.75 and goes into second spot in the "shittiest restaurants in the universe" category.

 And you though "Parizhsk" was a retarded name...

KOFEMANIA

               Type: Cafe
               Address: Trubnaya Pl., 2 / Komsomolsky Pr., 21/2
               Phone: 299-8459 / 8499 246-1721
               Web: www.coffeemania.ru

               Trubnaya / Frunzenskaya

                Price: 250-1000 rub p/p

                Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

“Kofemania”… Sounds like a mental illness of some kind… In general, Russians really know how to name things (see here, here, here and especially here). They have a certain talent for picking the most tasteless, idiotic and in many cases, ironic name you can think of.

After leafing through the menu, I almost had an attack of Kofemania myself! Cappucino will set you back here 235 rubles!!!!!! For what??? A cup of milky filth??? That’s around AUD $12! Back in the day, if a Melbourne restaurant was selling coffee for more than AUD $3, they were either making coffee out of gold bullion or they just wanted to go out of business…(Right: Kofemania - that's what Moscow prices will do to you)

Having already been seated, I decided to stick with the place and try the coffee, and order a meal.

Coffee came with good creamy froth and a pattern drawn on top (an old trick using a toothpick or a straw). Quality looked great, and the size of the cup was correct (or what Russians would consider “mini”). In any case, I gathered that I would be able to appreciate the coffee rather than drinking a huge cup of scolding milk a-la Starbuck or Coffee House.

I added one sugar and noticed that they use fine brown sugar—perfect! The coffee was fantastic! Temperature was perfect (i.e. not scolding). The blend of coffee is heavily on the sweet side, but in general the taste reminded me of home (could almost imagine kangaroos jumping past the window down the main street).

Next up was the pesto taglitelle. On the small side (what can you expect really), but generally very delicious! The mixture of pesto and cream cheese was great! Not so great if you’re wearing a white shirt though…

To sum up, I’ve been back here many times as it’s close to where I work, and each time I’ve been wholly satisfied—despite the ludicrous prices. Even leave a tip! I also tried the one at Frunzenskaya, and was pleasantly surprised to see that the quality was consistent—that’s important.

On the whole, I’d say it’s a great place, but better if you want to treat yourself, rather than making it a regular occasion, as the prices are beyond human conception. I’d stick with Costa Coffee if you want a decent coffee.

W

 What I was expecting to be served

DURDIN

     Type: Russian
     Address: Volgogradsky Prospekt 4A
     Phone: 780-0139
     Web: www.durdin.ru

     Proletarskaya

     Price: 1200 rub p/p

     Shit-o-meter: 0 stars

What can one expect when paying a visit to a “Russian beer restaurant”??? Here’s what I was expecting:
Shit beer (served warm)
Shit food
Shit service
Shit music (loud house music)
Everything nyetu
Our table reservation would not be found
Place full of loud idiots
Ridiculously expensive (i.e. 300 rub for Olivier)

Were my expectations fulfilled...?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!

The place was rocking! When we got there, there was a traditional Russian band (gramoshka, violin, piano, bass) playing jazzed-up Russian folk songs, which created a wonderful pre-Revolutionary style atmosphere. Décor was tasteful and impressive. Not walls hung with endless, irrelevant bullshit. No references to the USSR. I found myself taken aback, half smiling as I took a seat.

Akh, vot ono chto! Shirokaya, dobraya russkaya dusha!

We ordered two house beers (made on premises) at 100 rubles each, selyodka and kavkazsky fried cheese. After a long week at work, I was craving a nice cold beer. I noticed, that we had a trainee serving us… “Here we go”, I thought to myself. Entrées arrived before beers! Grrrr. My suspicions about the level of service were beginning to take form. Thankfully the beers arrived shortly after. I’d have to admit—that was the best tap beer I’ve had in Moscow—fantastic taste, temperature. Drank it in 45 seconds and immediately ordered another. The cheese and selyodkya was completely bland, but the beer was so good that I decided to ignore this. Ordered the borsch (the ultimate benchmark of Russian food). It was sweet, but also utterly bland. So I gave them a LAST CHANCE. I ordered the pork ribs. (Don't worry, Durdin is not your TYPICAL Russian restaurant as the one pictured to the right...)

Meanwhile, the band was playing their folk songs, and 80% of the patrons broke into unanimous song! Wow! I love it when Russians to that! The crowd was mainly after-work professionals—both young generation and old. Yet EVERYONE knew the words, and everyone could sing these songs in tune. This, in my opinion, is a fantastic Russian trait. Their love of cultural tradition, and respect for it no matter what age.

Next band up was an 80s disco-style band. When I saw the tackiness of this band, I knew what we were in for… An onslaught of cheesiness. I could feel my ears starting to bleed already… They came out with a cracker of a song, which got the russkies out of their chairs dancing in their awkward russky style. The song was “Bukhgalter”. I noticed one nerdy guy in glasses with trousers pulled up high, doing a robot-style dance to this tune! Normally, I would shudder at this sight before dry-reaching, but I was so engulfed by the russkaya dusha, that I only managed a chuckle.

Pork ribs arrived. They were HUGE! I’ve never had a large portion of food in a restaurant in Moscow… let alone in a RUSSIAN restaurant. They were absolutely SPOT ON!

As we were leaving, I heard the band start playing “Letyashey Pokhodkoy”. The dancefloor was already full... Based on the amounts of vodka being consumed here, this place was bound to get messy later on. Definitely a sign that I will return.

I’ve always pondered the concept of a “Russian Restaurant”. What is it? How can it appeal to Westerners? Is it possible to successfully open such a restaurant in a Western country? What should the décor be? What food should it serve? Durdin is the answer to all my questions. Forget Taras Bulba. This should be the ONLY place for bringing foreign guests for traditional Russian dinners.

UPDATE: Tried the one at Polyanka. Not the same. Just a normal “pivnoy”, nothing remarkable. Beer even tasted different. Would recommend trying the one at Proletarskaya first.

UPDATE 2: The Russians have done it! Who would've thought? They've proven themselves capable of the highest form of customer service. I was here on Saturday night. The food and service have vastly improved. The beer is out-of-this-world good. The music was much the same. The people dancing - OMG. I've never been so close to pissing myself with laughter as I was when the two tonne beast with gold teeth got up and started hip thrusting with a 59-year old tyotka in leopard print dress with fuzzy perm. Classic stuff. Love this place. (Urrrraaaaa rebyata! We got a Zero Star rating!!)

TORRO GRILL

     Type: Steakhouse
     Address: Lesnaya ul., 5B
     Phone: 921-0488
     Web: www.torrogrill.ru

     Belorusskaya

     Price: 1000 rub p/p

     Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

First I would like to congratulate the owner of Torro Grill with his almost perfect application of price-quality-atmosphere. Bravo.

The restaurant is located in a new business complex at Belorusskaya called White Square. It’s a really modern, clean kinda place. In fact, the whole complex has an eerie aura to it, especially the view from the (huge!) restaurant windows. For some reason I feel as if I’m in London. And that’s not even taking into account the swarm of expats clogging the bar. Ugh. However, when I look at my watch and see that it’s 9pm and this place is STILL OPEN, I realize that can’t be the case. Then when I see my half-empty packet of smokes lying on the table, I breath a (wheezy) sigh of relief.

Frankly I’m impressed by the atmosphere here, almost as much as I’m impressed by the price of a beer (130 rub). Scanning the menu, I can see that the prices are also very reasonable! Burger is 450 rubles and that’s NOT the price per 100 grams!

“Chyo blya?” you ask?

Could this restaurant tick all the right boxes?

Answer: “Chyo blya? - Of course not!”

I don’t think I was born with a particularly large mouth. I think my mouth is quite average, even compared to the average Russian mouth. I was therefore a little disappointed when I took the second bite of my burger… because it was also the last bite. It was a fairly tasty burger, so I tried regurgitating it. Perhaps I could fool my stomach into thinking I’d eaten a decent amount of food. But my girlfriend forced me to abandon that plan (she could never get the hang of the Heimlich maneuver...) - Right: Am I asking for too much???

I’ve been back twice since then. One time we took the meat platter for 4 people (and no, I didn’t order that for myself—there were actually 4 of us). It was rather filling (the 2 girls are on a diet), but I would rate it 5/10 in terms of taste.

I can however heartily recommend the Bruschetta and the French Fries with Truffle Oil (don’t ask me what the Truffle Oil is—I think they use invisible Truffle Oil…). There are also a couple of really cheap sandwiches which could be worth trying. Though judging by the size of my burger, they could be no more than 5 crumbs of bread...(Right: Girls - forget going to sushi restaurants! Eat at Torro Grill every day!)

Overall, it’s a really good place! There’s also the possibility of sitting by the bar and having a few drinks—so it’s versatile too. Unfortunately when PwC moves into their new office upstairs over the next few weeks, I can see this place getting really busy and therefore losing its quality. Let’s see.

PS: This seems to be fast turning into the new Scandinavia in terms of the expat crowd. Seems that some of the classic expats are become a little more risqué in their ventures. Dear Owner, if there’s something you can do to prevent this, please take action immediately.

Further update: Have been coming here regularly for drinks and cigars. The barmen know my girlfriend, and even give her free drinks (and don't act disappointed when they see she's with me). Have really been enjoying Torro recently, but have not eaten here in a long time. Stay tuned for a food review soon.

DRUZHBA

     Type: Chinese
     Address: Novoslobodskaya ul., 4
     Phone: 8499 973-12-12
     Web: www.drugba.ru/index.php?name=restaurants

     Novoslobodskaya

                                                          Price: 800 rub p/p

                                                               Shit-o-meter: -1 stars

 

HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING FOR AN AUTHENTIC CHINESE RESTAURANT IN MOSCOW???

I mean authentic Chinese-Western. Not authentic Chinese-Chinese. Not the kind of place where your chicken claw is served so undercooked that it looks more like jelly than chicken, and is practically dripping off the chopsticks. I mean Chinese which is so full of MSG that you can’t understand where the Gulaorou starts and the L-glutamate finishes. The kind of Chinese where you know the chicken shouldn’t be grey, but you eat it anyway coz it’s fried and sooo delicious (but mostly because it cost $4 for a decent serve).

I found one! It’s called Druzhba (which has nothing to do with the behaviour of the waiters unfortunately). I think it’s more to do with the Chinese projecting an image of peace and friendship, while quietly exacting a plan of world domination through mass migration.

 (Warning to those travelling to China: If your chicken looks like this - it's overcooked)

First impression was of the okhranik who greeted me with great warmth at the entrance (almost fell over backwards—he was so friendly!). Waiter led me to the table through a labyrinth of small rooms and corridors—the place is deceptively huge! Friendly okhranik? “Deceptive” restaurant layout? Again—Chinese cunning. It’s all part of their plan.

A good sign was that there were a lot of Chinese people eating here! But perhaps that’s because the menu was in Chinese and, therefore the only place they can go and understand what they’re eating. Or possibly they were just Kazakhs being paid to act like Chinese to boost the image of the restaurant. I mean it’s not hard, you just squint your eyes and make noises like “chow ching cho choo”. The Chinese conspiracy deepens!

We got the forest mushrooms, corn, sweet & sour pork, lemon chicken, fried rice, fruit dipped in caramel, plus some Tsingtao beer. Pork and mushrooms were spot on, corn was plain weird and lemon chicken was well off the mark (though thankfully not dripping off the stick). The fruit dessert was excellent and original. To my surprise, the bill came to 3600, which, for four of us comes to around 850 rubles! Was completely full after that (unusual for me).

I’ll come back here for sure. Mainly for the value for money. There aren’t many places you can go these days and overeat, plus drink alcohol for under 1000 rubles.

But perhaps this is part of the “Greater China” plan. Lure people here with value for money, wean them onto a Chinese diet… then BANG (or should I say CHANG) before you know it they’re in control of our governments!(Right: It's already begun...)

Fortunately I feel safe in Russia, as Russians have no idea what value for money is. Therefore this plan could never work...

DOCE UVAS

     Type: Spanish
     Address: Prechistenskaya Nab., 17
     Phone: 695-1625
     Web: www.doceuvas.ru
  
     Kropotkinskaya

     Price: 2000 rub p/p

     Shit-o-meter: -4 stars

             

“Doce Uvas” is Spanish for “Twelve Grapes”, which I think is a perfect reflection of the size and taste of the dishes served at this new “funky ultra-hip” Moscow restaurant. You may also like to refer to the alternative translation of “Uvas” - WARTS (possibly more suitable for this review).

To be honest, I expected something simplistic and laid back. Evidently I forgot I was in Moscow! What I got was complicated and bland. Exactly what I should’ve been expecting…

Doce Uvas is located in “Barkly Plaza” a residential/office complex located on Moscow’s cosmopolitan, and vibrant “Moskva-Reka”. In it’s day, Barkly Plaza was one of the most expensive office/residential complexes in Moscow. You could purchase a flat here for $20,000-$25,000 per square meter or rent and office for $2500/sq .m/year. Now, it’s just a shell. Empty, dirty, rusty. Not a single soul. A reflection of the collapse of Moscow’s pafosny elite in the face of the crisis. Possibly also a reflection of the fact that the building owner has not been able to get his ownership documents yet! In any case, I was happy to come here in order to bask in the failure of this project. (Right: The new Moscow Elite. Instead of buying 250 square meters for $25,000, they but 1 square meter)

We took sangria, two beers, the pea and jamon soup, and two paellas. The technique of serving these dishes is extremely complicated. The soup came in an ultra-fashionable bowl. The bowl contained only a couple of peas and some specks of jamon. The waiter then proceeded to POUR THE SOUP AT THE TABLE! I was overwhelmed by the cutting edge concept! Pouring at the table! I thought that’s what the kitchen was for… Anyway the soupé (let’s call it soupé, as it was way too cool to be just “soup”) was really green and kinda salty. There were about 5-7 crumbs of jamon in it which were crunchy. Reminded me of something I might’ve picked off the bottom of my foot—that psoriasis is also usually red and crunchy… Maybe this is where the alternate translation of “Uvas” comes into play… Anyway, took me about 4-5 spoons to finish this off.

The paella was equally bland. AND WAS ALSO SERVED AT THE TABLE! WTF??? It came in a metal dish with an empty plate. The waiter set the plate down and began scooping the paella from the dish to the plate with a spoon and fork. Why couldn’t this be done in the kitchen??? This only served to annoy me, as I could see the amount of rice which was “unscoopable” from the dish, and therefore WASTED! (Note: having been in Spain recently, I noticed, they have two ways of serving paella. 1. They bring it to the table, but then take it away and serve it onto your plate in a different location where you can't see. 2. They serve it in front of you, but scoop every last bit of rice onto your plate).

The paella was accompanied by one “King” prawn and ONE MUSSEL. There was so much shell on the prawn that it was virtually bullet-proof. In addition, the actual meat was suspiciously soft and gooey, and had a real rank taste. BEWARE THE POLONIUM PRAWN PAELLA!!! (Right: He must've ordered the paella too!)

So I ate mine and my girlfriend’s paella in about 5 mins (poor girl, but she said she’s on a diet). Would’ve been brilliant if I had a passion for the taste of rice! Oh wait—the taste of RICE? WHAT TASTE? IT HAS NO F*CKING TASTE!

The bill was 2,700. Which only served to help me walk out of this place faster as my pocket was a whole lot lighter!

As an afterthought, this place could be cool in the evenings. We sat on the veranda, which had a really nice atmosphere and view. Something terribly lacking in Moscow. However, we must not loose sight of the reason people go to restaurants. I agree - atmosphere, music, ambience etc. all play a part, but at the end of the day it’s the freakin food which keeps people coming back. Am I not mistaken?

DARBAR

     Type: Indian 
     Address: Leninsky Pr., 38. Top floor of Sputnik Hotel
     Phone: 930-29-25
     Web: darbar.ru

     Oktyabrskaya

     Price: 2000 rub p/p

                                            Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

         

In my top 2 Moscow restaurants. If you can scrape together a spare 2000 rubles on the weekend, then I strongly advise you to visit this place.

First impressions can deceive. Walking towards this place, I thought I was either approaching an empty Soviet Administrative building, or something resembling the Dzherzhinsk Nauchno-Tekhnicheskoe Uchilishe im. V.I Lenina. The building is not pretty.

However once I was up on the top floor, I was pleasantly surprised by the great view from the restaurants windows, and the great décor. Though, such classy things always make me suspicious in Moscow. It’s normally a sign that I can’t afford to eat here.

Although this turned out to be true, I was none the less more than happy to over-stretch my budget for this fine place.

Highlights:

1. True Indian Service—out of all the times I’ve been here, I’ve NEVER waiting fore than 30 seconds for a beer. Once, when the waiter delivered out curries and rice, he began serving the rice on our platters. For some reason the manager quickly ran over, said something in Hindi, upon which, the waiter removed the plate and rice which he had been serving, and exited to the kitchen in a very subservient manner. In less that 30 seconds, he returned with the rice and a new plate, and continued serving. NOW THAT’S SERVICE. I have no idea why this happened, but it was all done in the most subservient way, that I couldn’t help feeling like a Punjabi king. Next time, I’m gonna pay extra attention to formation of the rice on the plate, just in case! (Right: 8-armed waiter. Possibly the reason they're so efficient!)

2. Spicy food—just when I thought it didn’t exist in Moscow. Normally I find any food in Moscow very bland. I can eat a whole can of “chili” while my Russian friends have a stroke after one mouthful. Here, the spiciness was spot on—instant hearburn! That’s a good sign.

3. Free stuff—yes FREE STUFF IN A MOSCOW RESTAURANT. I’ve been here 3 times, and every time, I’ve received a discount... And I still have no idea why… Indian hospitality? Then, on my birthday, I got free ice-cream and coffee. Unbelievable!

4. No such things as NYETU in this restaurant! (Possibly because the waiters don’t speak Russian). Every meal is always available.

5. Minimal toilet problems afterwards.

Each time I leave this place, I feel content. I feel as if I’ve received true value for money, not like in most restaurants in Moscow. It worth the short marshrutka ride from Oktyabrskaya.

Ordered:
Chicken Tikka Masala
Lamb RoganJosh
Tofu in some kind of green sauce
Some other very spicy dish (possibly vindaloo)
Garlic Naan
Saffron rice
Several beers and whiskies
Papadums

Was completely stuffed after this.

UPDATE:
I've been coming here for two years without fault. But I may be witnessing the downfall of this mighty establishment. The last time I was here, the food was not up to scratch. The lamb was really fatty, and Rogan Josh sauce not tasty and the Tikka Masala NOT creamy. My suspicions were confirmed when my girlfriend went there the other week with some friends. Same thing - only a little bit worse!

Not acceptable. But I've only taken off half a point to give the benefit of the doubt, hoping that this is a temporary phenomenon.