SCANDINAVIA

     Type: Scandinavian
     Address: Maliy Palashevskiy per., 7
     Phone: 937-5630
     Web: www.scandinavia.ru

     Tverskaya

     Price: 2000+ rub p/p

                                                                                        Shit-o-meter: -2 stars

I’ve broken the rules a little by coming here, as I promised my readers I would not review ludicrously expensive restaurants. However, due to high expat readership—Scandinavia needed to be done.

If you’re not familiar with it—Scandinavia is the home of the hardest of hardcore expats. The types who either have been here for 15 years and still can’t order themselves a beer in Russian, or have just arrived and still carry the look of fear on their faces when walking along the Moscow streets. The type that can not accept Russian culture, and takes refuge in places like this for it’s “Western” style (i.e. boring—something the Scandinavians achieve PARTICULARLY well).

The name “Scandinavia” says a lot for it. For those expats who have been here for six months, and still haven’t worked up the courage to leave the hotel, going to a place called “Scandinavia” couldn’t seem SAFER or more NORMAL. Just the type of boring, lame and frigid entertainment that these expats need in their self-contained sheltered little executive lives. Here, they get service in English and prices in Euros (with an explanation that the Euro prices are simply a benchmark, and that you can’t actually pay with Euros—only rubles… What’s a “ruble” you ask?)

I walked through the gate and through the outdoor terrace upon which I saw about 15 familiar faces. I waded through the sea of acquaintances, stopping at each one and feigning friendliness, engaging in typical expat banter.. Ugh. My g/f and I had to take refuge indoors where no-one else was sitting, as my energy levels were already being sucked dry. We took the lounge chairs to the right of the stairs.

We took a couple of beers @ 250 rubles each (what’s that in Euros??? Oh wait… I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!). The beer was extremely good. Quality was immediately noticeable.

Next we took a club sandwich to share (couldn’t afford one each), and a tapas dish which was bascially small prawns in some kind of goo. It cost 250 rubles and could fit in the palm of my hand. My g/f described it as “nu v printsipe normalno”. But when you get a dish for that price which fits in the palm of your hand—the reaction should not be “normalno” but more like “Okhuet”. Club sandwich came with fries which were ok (over 500 rubles). I particularly enjoyed the selection of sauces which they brought to the table—mustard, ketchup, HP sauce. That was probably the highlight of the meal. (Right: Охуеть!)

We then took a couple of cocktails—Margarita and Cosmopolitan. Couldn’t taste neither tequila nor vodka in either of them.

One thing I would like to say, is that when you’re eating at Scandinavia, you feel special. You feel rich and successful—like you’ve “made it” in life. However, after entering the zhiguli which I flagged on Tverskaya afterwards—this feeling was mercilessly crushed...

2009 Lykkelig Pengeskåp Vennlig Bjørn Party at Scandinavia. Got so wild that paramedics had to be called in with asthma pumps and wet face napkins. 11 patrons were treated, and saved from potential tragedy!

BUDDIES

     Type: Singaporean
     Address: Tverskaya ul., 12/18
     Phone: 694-0229
     Web: www.buddiescafe.ru

     Tverskaya

     Price: 1500 rub p/p
    
     Shit-o meter: -3 stars

 

Buddie’s should be your number 1 and ONLY destination in Moscow if you want Asian food. In an ocean of crap, this stands out as a beacon of good quality and value for money.

In general, this place is hard to criticize… So I’ll do my best.

One thing that really stood out for me was the standard of service. It remains a mystery as to how the manager of this place elicits such good service from his Russian waiters. Perhaps he pays them ludicrous salaries… I think more likely he kidnaps their families and holds them hostage, forcing the waiters to do their jobs properly. This is the only method which I could imagine would work on Russian waiters.

Basically Buddie’s is a sport-bar serving Asian cuisine. The décor is non-existent (personally I don’t give a shit about décor), with a few football jerseys hanging on the walls. It’s such a clash of cultures—Asian delicacy with British brutality, that I was completely thrown off by the concept.

Then there was the negro working in the garderob. This was a nice touch. I love these ironic stereotypes! But why stop there. You’ve already got the incomprehensible clash of Asian and British… I say the negro should double as a shoe cleaner. Then hire a French chef (but keep the Asian food), put in some Italian waiters, Cuban live music, hire some Filipino cleaners, some Russian bouncers, and maybe put some Indian beggars outside in the gutter. All this in the British-style sport bar. Then the concept would be more comprehensible—a melting pot of cultural clichés! Great idea for a restaurant! (Below: Putin's personal shoe cleaner and garderob attendant)

But in all seriousness, if you’re a practical person like me, then you will love this place. I took the sweet and sour pork (which I consider is a benchmark for the quality of Asian food in general), and it was absolutely SPOT ON. Just as you get in in those rat-infested Chinese restaurant back home (in your respective Western countries). Only difference is that it cost about 450 rubles, and I wasn’t full afterwards. So I took some chicken wings and some spring rolls which were bloody fantastic!

I was so happy that I decided to stay and get drunk after my meal! (always a good sign that I like a place). Bill came to over 4000 rubles for me and my g/f, but I guess if I came back I probably would’t take those 12 whiskies and several extra plates of food (which I already don’t remember). Therefore, your budget for Buddie’s should be around 1500 rubles per person. A good budget for Moscow! Though for that money, I could probably buy a whole dog in a typical Asian restaurant back home… Oh well.

You could be disappointed by the following:

Very small area for smokers… Though the crowd is very expaty, therefore non-smoking (goody goodies) and don’t take up space in the smoking area.
Small choice of beer—starting from 180 for Heinekken… Though it’s good export quality
No Russian beer… Though no Russians either...

 Gotta miss those home-style Chinese restaurants...




















UPDATE: Had reviewed this place a long time ago, when it was good. At one stage you could even find this review on the Buddies website (well, parts of it anyway). Now something's happened. Apparently the owner went back to Singapore (selfish bastard), and the place has completely gone to the dogs (why did they have to open that cage??). Was here for Aus-Ger world cup match a few weeks ago and they DIDN'T HAVE BEER! Talk about self-destruction of your business.

JOHN BULL PUB

     Type: Pub
     Address: Krasnaya Presnya, 25
     Phone: 8499 252-5540
     Web: john-bull-pub.rmcom.ru

     Ulitsa 1905 Goda

     Price: 1500 rub. p/p

     Shit-o-meter:   -4 stars
  

This review was sent in by an Italian under the nickname Eddy_Huntington. I would say it’s an example of bravery and courage in the face of the Russian Restaurant Regime

Should you come across ulitsa Krasnaya Presnya, near the metro station of 1905 Goda, your attention on a sunny day would be for sure captured by a nice set of tables outside in a kind of "private garden" mediocre attempt: so was mine.

This is the outer area of John Bull Pub; a place which, for its name and external aspect, promises to recreate the classical Irish pub atmosphere in the center of Moscow. So, at least I hoped.

During those days I was starting to date a pretty Ukrainian lady whom I met less than a week before in a disco-bar. My idea was to bring her in a setting more familiar to my western European taste, in order to bring her nicely out of Muscovite context.

Even if at a first glance the inside was only trying to recreate the typical pub setting (no darts, no sports, not that classical easy atmosphere...) only by the use of furniture and moquettes [possibly a word of Italian origin? -ЯЯЯ], I immediately got this was just a usual restaurant in disguise. But I gave a look at the menu and it resembled, at least, the kind of food I was expecting.

So I gave the appointment there and waited for her at the upper floor with a bouquet of fresh flowers. She came and a great romantic dinner was beginning. I soon started to learn her tastes: she completely loved red wine.

Now you know, I'm Italian, and I can assure you that in Moscow you often happen to buy for 30€ a bottle of wine which, in Italy, we wouldn't use to clean floors. But that was the way (after all women love us to squander money on them) and I ordered something from my country: out of a whopping choice of TWO different bottles!

When the waiter came, and opened the bottle to let me try the wine, hell begun.

The wine was completely A.C.I.D. - undrinkable - ready for litter.

I, of course, refused the bottle, at which time the waiter told me that I still had to pay the same for it!!! Completely shaken by such arrogance and ignorance, I asked (and my Russian was worse than today's one) what was the purpose of "testing" then. He couldn't answer (maybe he thought it was some kinda odd ceremony of us western barbarians) but then he tried the wine by himself from the woman's glass (!) and said it was "horosho"... imagine my face at a similar guy (must have been 22-23 years old) telling me (Italian) that he "thought" it was "horosho"... when he heard that I had worked for an important wine consortium in my country he just quit... to come back and tell that he had no "permission" to make changes. This started a 30min tiring negotiation on my side. (Right: Akh khorosho! More precisely a 1965 Vintage Borbeaux. If it's combustible it's drinkable)

I save you the scorn of this and just tell the conclusion: I should have paid half the bottle price and, then, I would have ordered a couple of glasses of another wine.

You can imagine how romantic the evening got... at least the woman appreciated the fact that I wasn't going to take any rubbish from anybody, but, hey! At which mood cost???

So, when I asked for the bill, the surprise! It was written I had to pay the FULL bottle plus the glasses!

I went mad and started another 20min negotiation, asking for the manager (who didn't show up), and telling I was "no fool". After this, which completely ruined my mood even during the following promenade with the lady, the agreement became: you pay the full bottle and we give the glasses for free. Some of you, will call this "half a miracle". I call this bullshit.

What else... the food wasn't disgusting but I wasn't keen on it either and the service was poor.

This place really deserves a -5 for driving the customer nuts, but I'll give it a -4, considering that, if my date ordered a normal, healthy, vodka, all this hell wouldn't maybe have been raised.

Avoid this place carefully. And never go there with a date!

And never pay for chicks at dinner—or at least order FOR them. Let them fuck up their own dinner rather than everyone else’s

 Our reviewer is lucky the waiter wasn't French!

















UPDATE: I've personally been to investigate John Bull Pub. I went, however, to the one at Smolenskaya. Reasonable place! Decent service! Nice beer! Not too bad food. BUT! WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE DANCING GIRLS?!?!?!?! You're sitting there having a chat over a pint, and suddenly, your ears are torpedoed by a mighty blast of sound. An cacophonous onslaught! (I think they call it music). Before you've got you wits about you (after your pint glass has exploded from the sonic boom), a group of tyolki appear in very scant clothing and start making "sexy dancing" next to your table, all the while looking at their reflection in the window behind you... WHY?!?!?! It's a f*cking pub for f*ck's f*cking sake!!!! It's like going to a strip club, where suddenly they switch on Discovery Channel to a program about Baboons giving birth. The organiser of this should be slaughtered! The rating above stands, as it was a different reviewer and a different place.

LOOTCH

Type: Bar/Club
Address: Bolshaya Pirogovskaya ul., 28
Phone: 287-0022
Web: www.luchbar.ru

Sportivnaya

Price: 2000 rub p/p


Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

 

To set the record straight, I hate “pafos”, “glamur” and loud house music. So why the hell did I give this place 0.5 stars?

To give you a background, Lootch is a new bar, which has opened up in the business centre “Lootch”, which is basically a reconstruction of a pre-revolutionary light bulb factory (hence Lootch). It positions itself as a suave cocktail bar for professionals and business-people.

The interior design is quite luxurious—from statues, to artwork, right down to the big, comfortable armchairs you sit in. The ceiling in the main area is about 15 meters high, plus, there’s a mezzanine floor, so plenty of room.

The thing that sets this place apart is the quality. Therefore, when you pay a ludicrous 400 rubles for a simple cocktail, you don’t feel like you’re getting screwed! In fact, I was so content here to spend my hard earned money, that I even managed to get drunk! That’s an expensive feat here!

Coupled with this is the atmosphere. The huge long bar, the loft-style interior… One time I sat upstairs with my girlfriend. I had the most comfortable armchair I even sat on in any restaurant in the world. Though the music is a bit loud, I still managed to have a fairly detailed conversation with my girlfriend, and could hear most of what she was saying… After 3am (at least I think it was 3am), they start playing jazz. This earned Lootch an automatic extra star.(Right: Mine is the chair on the left. Do not take it on a Saturday night or I'll throw you off the balcony)

The service isn’t too bad either. Can be a little slow with the drinks, but when you’ve got so many people, all ordering cocktails, it can be understood.

No face control

They don’t ask for “depoziti” when you order a table!

The interesting thing is, that when I’m at Lootch, I don’t feel like I’m in Russia. There’s a distinct Western feel about it. I’m not saying I don’t like being in Russia, but when you’re spending this much money, you do expect something world class!

Probably not worth eating here though. Unless you really like “fusion”. Personally, I prefer "food".

(The Moscow Sushi Cocktail - popular among Russian girls... Thankfully NOT on the menu at Lootch)

PARIZHSK

Type: French
Address: Zubovsky Bul., 13/2
Phone: 8 499 255-29-12
Web: www.parizhsk.ru

Park Kultury


                                                               Price: 800 rub p/p

                                                               Shit-o-meter: minus 4.75 

On behalf of the Russian Federation and all its inhabitants I would like to formally apologise to the French Republic - to its people, its history, its culture and its very identity. What is the reason for this apology?

Welcome to Parizhsk! The ultimate insult to every French person who's ever walked the planet! Although I personally love insulting French people - Parizhsk really takes it too far. Surely the Russians can't still be holding a grudge against the French... 1812 was so long ago!

Parizhsk is a fusion of Russian and French cuisine. Such a fusion is made possible by two main ingredients and concepts in French/Russian kitchen - "Putain" and "Merde". Combine those vital concepts and you've got "Parizhsk"! Though, to be fair, for this review, we will call the restaurant "sk", because (other than the pointless French words painted on the wall) this is a Russian restaurant.

What does one think of when conjuring up the image of French food? For me it's like this:

Baguette
Cordon Bleu
Bourguignon
Foie Gras (pictured right - at Parizhsk)
Potatoes au gratin
Quiche
Crepes
Ratatouille etc...
(Snails and frogs' legs are more of a stereotype than anything)

Now let us browse the menu of "Sk" to see what they offer:

Sandwiches - good! Should be on a nice crispy fresh baguette... NO! The bread is fucking stale! And it's a simple white loaf - a piece so small, that I'm sure they had to get it custom made.
A bunch of salads with French-sounding names - who gives a shit about salad?
Cheese plate - big deal
Carpaccio - I thought it was Italian
Caprese - Italian
Ogurtsy
Seledka
Borsch
Chicken wings with BBQ sauce
Traditional French onion soup - I can get potato chips which taste more like French onion than this
Then there's a bunch of stuff like "Svinnaya vyrezka", "File lososya".

Anyone see a pattern?

And another thing - French service - it might be surly, but it's f*cking good. Now try walking in the door at "Sk". The waiters see you coming, turn their backs and start walking the other way!

If you come here, don't be fooled by the Russian mind fuck! We ordered three beers. Two were cold, one was warm. We sent it back, said it was warm and asked for a cold one. I'll give you three guesses as to what they brought:
a) A more expensive beer
b) Another warm beer
c) Nothing... for half an hour

To their credit it could've been all three, but it wasn't. The answer is b) Not being able to stoop so low to comprehend their retarded logic we chose not to argue, and just drank the damn thing. After all - we're in a Moscow restaurant so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK WHAT YOU GET YOU FUCKHEAD!

And this place is in operation for 5 years. Makes me want to nuke someone.

I've actually been here a few times, and one of those times I was moderately satisfied. I'm thinking of giving Parizhsk a minus 5, but I can't say that it sinks to the level of Coffee House. Not quite. It gets a Minus 4.75 and goes into second spot in the "shittiest restaurants in the universe" category.

 And you though "Parizhsk" was a retarded name...

KOFEMANIA

               Type: Cafe
               Address: Trubnaya Pl., 2 / Komsomolsky Pr., 21/2
               Phone: 299-8459 / 8499 246-1721
               Web: www.coffeemania.ru

               Trubnaya / Frunzenskaya

                Price: 250-1000 rub p/p

                Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

“Kofemania”… Sounds like a mental illness of some kind… In general, Russians really know how to name things (see here, here, here and especially here). They have a certain talent for picking the most tasteless, idiotic and in many cases, ironic name you can think of.

After leafing through the menu, I almost had an attack of Kofemania myself! Cappucino will set you back here 235 rubles!!!!!! For what??? A cup of milky filth??? That’s around AUD $12! Back in the day, if a Melbourne restaurant was selling coffee for more than AUD $3, they were either making coffee out of gold bullion or they just wanted to go out of business…(Right: Kofemania - that's what Moscow prices will do to you)

Having already been seated, I decided to stick with the place and try the coffee, and order a meal.

Coffee came with good creamy froth and a pattern drawn on top (an old trick using a toothpick or a straw). Quality looked great, and the size of the cup was correct (or what Russians would consider “mini”). In any case, I gathered that I would be able to appreciate the coffee rather than drinking a huge cup of scolding milk a-la Starbuck or Coffee House.

I added one sugar and noticed that they use fine brown sugar—perfect! The coffee was fantastic! Temperature was perfect (i.e. not scolding). The blend of coffee is heavily on the sweet side, but in general the taste reminded me of home (could almost imagine kangaroos jumping past the window down the main street).

Next up was the pesto taglitelle. On the small side (what can you expect really), but generally very delicious! The mixture of pesto and cream cheese was great! Not so great if you’re wearing a white shirt though…

To sum up, I’ve been back here many times as it’s close to where I work, and each time I’ve been wholly satisfied—despite the ludicrous prices. Even leave a tip! I also tried the one at Frunzenskaya, and was pleasantly surprised to see that the quality was consistent—that’s important.

On the whole, I’d say it’s a great place, but better if you want to treat yourself, rather than making it a regular occasion, as the prices are beyond human conception. I’d stick with Costa Coffee if you want a decent coffee.

W

 What I was expecting to be served

DURDIN

     Type: Russian
     Address: Volgogradsky Prospekt 4A
     Phone: 780-0139
     Web: www.durdin.ru

     Proletarskaya

     Price: 1200 rub p/p

     Shit-o-meter: 0 stars

What can one expect when paying a visit to a “Russian beer restaurant”??? Here’s what I was expecting:
Shit beer (served warm)
Shit food
Shit service
Shit music (loud house music)
Everything nyetu
Our table reservation would not be found
Place full of loud idiots
Ridiculously expensive (i.e. 300 rub for Olivier)

Were my expectations fulfilled...?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!

The place was rocking! When we got there, there was a traditional Russian band (gramoshka, violin, piano, bass) playing jazzed-up Russian folk songs, which created a wonderful pre-Revolutionary style atmosphere. Décor was tasteful and impressive. Not walls hung with endless, irrelevant bullshit. No references to the USSR. I found myself taken aback, half smiling as I took a seat.

Akh, vot ono chto! Shirokaya, dobraya russkaya dusha!

We ordered two house beers (made on premises) at 100 rubles each, selyodka and kavkazsky fried cheese. After a long week at work, I was craving a nice cold beer. I noticed, that we had a trainee serving us… “Here we go”, I thought to myself. Entrées arrived before beers! Grrrr. My suspicions about the level of service were beginning to take form. Thankfully the beers arrived shortly after. I’d have to admit—that was the best tap beer I’ve had in Moscow—fantastic taste, temperature. Drank it in 45 seconds and immediately ordered another. The cheese and selyodkya was completely bland, but the beer was so good that I decided to ignore this. Ordered the borsch (the ultimate benchmark of Russian food). It was sweet, but also utterly bland. So I gave them a LAST CHANCE. I ordered the pork ribs. (Don't worry, Durdin is not your TYPICAL Russian restaurant as the one pictured to the right...)

Meanwhile, the band was playing their folk songs, and 80% of the patrons broke into unanimous song! Wow! I love it when Russians to that! The crowd was mainly after-work professionals—both young generation and old. Yet EVERYONE knew the words, and everyone could sing these songs in tune. This, in my opinion, is a fantastic Russian trait. Their love of cultural tradition, and respect for it no matter what age.

Next band up was an 80s disco-style band. When I saw the tackiness of this band, I knew what we were in for… An onslaught of cheesiness. I could feel my ears starting to bleed already… They came out with a cracker of a song, which got the russkies out of their chairs dancing in their awkward russky style. The song was “Bukhgalter”. I noticed one nerdy guy in glasses with trousers pulled up high, doing a robot-style dance to this tune! Normally, I would shudder at this sight before dry-reaching, but I was so engulfed by the russkaya dusha, that I only managed a chuckle.

Pork ribs arrived. They were HUGE! I’ve never had a large portion of food in a restaurant in Moscow… let alone in a RUSSIAN restaurant. They were absolutely SPOT ON!

As we were leaving, I heard the band start playing “Letyashey Pokhodkoy”. The dancefloor was already full... Based on the amounts of vodka being consumed here, this place was bound to get messy later on. Definitely a sign that I will return.

I’ve always pondered the concept of a “Russian Restaurant”. What is it? How can it appeal to Westerners? Is it possible to successfully open such a restaurant in a Western country? What should the décor be? What food should it serve? Durdin is the answer to all my questions. Forget Taras Bulba. This should be the ONLY place for bringing foreign guests for traditional Russian dinners.

UPDATE: Tried the one at Polyanka. Not the same. Just a normal “pivnoy”, nothing remarkable. Beer even tasted different. Would recommend trying the one at Proletarskaya first.

UPDATE 2: The Russians have done it! Who would've thought? They've proven themselves capable of the highest form of customer service. I was here on Saturday night. The food and service have vastly improved. The beer is out-of-this-world good. The music was much the same. The people dancing - OMG. I've never been so close to pissing myself with laughter as I was when the two tonne beast with gold teeth got up and started hip thrusting with a 59-year old tyotka in leopard print dress with fuzzy perm. Classic stuff. Love this place. (Urrrraaaaa rebyata! We got a Zero Star rating!!)