DOCE UVAS

     Type: Spanish
     Address: Prechistenskaya Nab., 17
     Phone: 695-1625
     Web: www.doceuvas.ru
  
     Kropotkinskaya

     Price: 2000 rub p/p

     Shit-o-meter: -4 stars

             

“Doce Uvas” is Spanish for “Twelve Grapes”, which I think is a perfect reflection of the size and taste of the dishes served at this new “funky ultra-hip” Moscow restaurant. You may also like to refer to the alternative translation of “Uvas” - WARTS (possibly more suitable for this review).

To be honest, I expected something simplistic and laid back. Evidently I forgot I was in Moscow! What I got was complicated and bland. Exactly what I should’ve been expecting…

Doce Uvas is located in “Barkly Plaza” a residential/office complex located on Moscow’s cosmopolitan, and vibrant “Moskva-Reka”. In it’s day, Barkly Plaza was one of the most expensive office/residential complexes in Moscow. You could purchase a flat here for $20,000-$25,000 per square meter or rent and office for $2500/sq .m/year. Now, it’s just a shell. Empty, dirty, rusty. Not a single soul. A reflection of the collapse of Moscow’s pafosny elite in the face of the crisis. Possibly also a reflection of the fact that the building owner has not been able to get his ownership documents yet! In any case, I was happy to come here in order to bask in the failure of this project. (Right: The new Moscow Elite. Instead of buying 250 square meters for $25,000, they but 1 square meter)

We took sangria, two beers, the pea and jamon soup, and two paellas. The technique of serving these dishes is extremely complicated. The soup came in an ultra-fashionable bowl. The bowl contained only a couple of peas and some specks of jamon. The waiter then proceeded to POUR THE SOUP AT THE TABLE! I was overwhelmed by the cutting edge concept! Pouring at the table! I thought that’s what the kitchen was for… Anyway the soupé (let’s call it soupé, as it was way too cool to be just “soup”) was really green and kinda salty. There were about 5-7 crumbs of jamon in it which were crunchy. Reminded me of something I might’ve picked off the bottom of my foot—that psoriasis is also usually red and crunchy… Maybe this is where the alternate translation of “Uvas” comes into play… Anyway, took me about 4-5 spoons to finish this off.

The paella was equally bland. AND WAS ALSO SERVED AT THE TABLE! WTF??? It came in a metal dish with an empty plate. The waiter set the plate down and began scooping the paella from the dish to the plate with a spoon and fork. Why couldn’t this be done in the kitchen??? This only served to annoy me, as I could see the amount of rice which was “unscoopable” from the dish, and therefore WASTED! (Note: having been in Spain recently, I noticed, they have two ways of serving paella. 1. They bring it to the table, but then take it away and serve it onto your plate in a different location where you can't see. 2. They serve it in front of you, but scoop every last bit of rice onto your plate).

The paella was accompanied by one “King” prawn and ONE MUSSEL. There was so much shell on the prawn that it was virtually bullet-proof. In addition, the actual meat was suspiciously soft and gooey, and had a real rank taste. BEWARE THE POLONIUM PRAWN PAELLA!!! (Right: He must've ordered the paella too!)

So I ate mine and my girlfriend’s paella in about 5 mins (poor girl, but she said she’s on a diet). Would’ve been brilliant if I had a passion for the taste of rice! Oh wait—the taste of RICE? WHAT TASTE? IT HAS NO F*CKING TASTE!

The bill was 2,700. Which only served to help me walk out of this place faster as my pocket was a whole lot lighter!

As an afterthought, this place could be cool in the evenings. We sat on the veranda, which had a really nice atmosphere and view. Something terribly lacking in Moscow. However, we must not loose sight of the reason people go to restaurants. I agree - atmosphere, music, ambience etc. all play a part, but at the end of the day it’s the freakin food which keeps people coming back. Am I not mistaken?