PARIZHSK

Type: French
Address: Zubovsky Bul., 13/2
Phone: 8 499 255-29-12
Web: www.parizhsk.ru

Park Kultury


                                                               Price: 800 rub p/p

                                                               Shit-o-meter: minus 4.75 

On behalf of the Russian Federation and all its inhabitants I would like to formally apologise to the French Republic - to its people, its history, its culture and its very identity. What is the reason for this apology?

Welcome to Parizhsk! The ultimate insult to every French person who's ever walked the planet! Although I personally love insulting French people - Parizhsk really takes it too far. Surely the Russians can't still be holding a grudge against the French... 1812 was so long ago!

Parizhsk is a fusion of Russian and French cuisine. Such a fusion is made possible by two main ingredients and concepts in French/Russian kitchen - "Putain" and "Merde". Combine those vital concepts and you've got "Parizhsk"! Though, to be fair, for this review, we will call the restaurant "sk", because (other than the pointless French words painted on the wall) this is a Russian restaurant.

What does one think of when conjuring up the image of French food? For me it's like this:

Baguette
Cordon Bleu
Bourguignon
Foie Gras (pictured right - at Parizhsk)
Potatoes au gratin
Quiche
Crepes
Ratatouille etc...
(Snails and frogs' legs are more of a stereotype than anything)

Now let us browse the menu of "Sk" to see what they offer:

Sandwiches - good! Should be on a nice crispy fresh baguette... NO! The bread is fucking stale! And it's a simple white loaf - a piece so small, that I'm sure they had to get it custom made.
A bunch of salads with French-sounding names - who gives a shit about salad?
Cheese plate - big deal
Carpaccio - I thought it was Italian
Caprese - Italian
Ogurtsy
Seledka
Borsch
Chicken wings with BBQ sauce
Traditional French onion soup - I can get potato chips which taste more like French onion than this
Then there's a bunch of stuff like "Svinnaya vyrezka", "File lososya".

Anyone see a pattern?

And another thing - French service - it might be surly, but it's f*cking good. Now try walking in the door at "Sk". The waiters see you coming, turn their backs and start walking the other way!

If you come here, don't be fooled by the Russian mind fuck! We ordered three beers. Two were cold, one was warm. We sent it back, said it was warm and asked for a cold one. I'll give you three guesses as to what they brought:
a) A more expensive beer
b) Another warm beer
c) Nothing... for half an hour

To their credit it could've been all three, but it wasn't. The answer is b) Not being able to stoop so low to comprehend their retarded logic we chose not to argue, and just drank the damn thing. After all - we're in a Moscow restaurant so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK WHAT YOU GET YOU FUCKHEAD!

And this place is in operation for 5 years. Makes me want to nuke someone.

I've actually been here a few times, and one of those times I was moderately satisfied. I'm thinking of giving Parizhsk a minus 5, but I can't say that it sinks to the level of Coffee House. Not quite. It gets a Minus 4.75 and goes into second spot in the "shittiest restaurants in the universe" category.

 And you though "Parizhsk" was a retarded name...