YOLKI PALKI

     Type: Russian
     Address: Novoslobodkaya ul., 4 (other locations around the city)
     Phone: 8499 973-9201
     Web: http://www.elki-palki.ru/

     Novoslobodskaya

     Shit-o-meter: -2 stars




Yolki Palki—for those of you who don’t know what it means—it’s something you say when things go wrong. Kind of like “damnit!”

I just love these ironic Moscow restaurant names!!!

Why don’t Moscow restaurant owners just come clean and start calling their restaurants Gavno or Plokho, or Poshel na Хуй! Stop trying to fool us with your irony—call it what it is!

I’d just been down at Novoslobodskaya buying fireworks in preparation for inflicting grievous bodily harm on myself and others on NYE. Was bloody starving, and couldn’t walk another meter without food. Believe me, I tried. I tried to go past this place—McDonalds is only a 5 minute walk from there! Unfortunately my stomach had other ideas… Maybe it knew something I didn’t about Yolki Palki?

Me and my mate (who was fresh from Australia a couple of days before) decided to take the all-you-can-eat salad bar. The Yolki Palki marketing team is cunning. This is not your typical “all-you-can-eat”, and should not be taken literally. This is a CHALLENGE… because most of what you will eat is INEDIBLE! Therefore, they earn tons of money, as they have relatively low costs! No-one’s ever going back for seconds (except me on that day).

I’m actually quite impartial to most traditional Russian dishes—mayonnaise with peas, mayonnaise with carrot, mayonnaise with borsch, mayonnaise with sour cream. I actually quite enjoyed the “herring in a fur coat” at Yolki Palki. There was a lot of delicious herring and not too much fur.

But, in general, if you’re not as starving as I was, then it’s basically inedible. My mate certainly thought so. Having never seen pink salads and meat jellies in his life, he decided to fill up on boiled potatoes only…

One last thing—the service. Unbelievably, we received some of the best, most attentive service I’ve even seen in Moscow (ok, it was MOSTLY SELF-SERVICE, therefore very efficient), but honestly, the waiter who was taking care of us was TOP NOTCH. Offering drinks when our glasses were empty, taking our order promptly and making suggestions, very polite and friendly. Dear waiter, if you’re reading this - why the fuck are you working at Yolki Palki? IMMEDAITELY send your CV to Pushkin Café. I think you’ve got some potential.

Definitely need to return here when I’m not so hungry, as a minus 2 for Yolki Palki seems unfathomable...

The crab salad:

Borsch:

Boiled potatoes:

Baltika 7: