TORRO GRILL

     Type: Steakhouse
     Address: Lesnaya ul., 5B
     Phone: 921-0488
     Web: www.torrogrill.ru

     Belorusskaya

     Price: 1000 rub p/p

     Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

First I would like to congratulate the owner of Torro Grill with his almost perfect application of price-quality-atmosphere. Bravo.

The restaurant is located in a new business complex at Belorusskaya called White Square. It’s a really modern, clean kinda place. In fact, the whole complex has an eerie aura to it, especially the view from the (huge!) restaurant windows. For some reason I feel as if I’m in London. And that’s not even taking into account the swarm of expats clogging the bar. Ugh. However, when I look at my watch and see that it’s 9pm and this place is STILL OPEN, I realize that can’t be the case. Then when I see my half-empty packet of smokes lying on the table, I breath a (wheezy) sigh of relief.

Frankly I’m impressed by the atmosphere here, almost as much as I’m impressed by the price of a beer (130 rub). Scanning the menu, I can see that the prices are also very reasonable! Burger is 450 rubles and that’s NOT the price per 100 grams!

“Chyo blya?” you ask?

Could this restaurant tick all the right boxes?

Answer: “Chyo blya? - Of course not!”

I don’t think I was born with a particularly large mouth. I think my mouth is quite average, even compared to the average Russian mouth. I was therefore a little disappointed when I took the second bite of my burger… because it was also the last bite. It was a fairly tasty burger, so I tried regurgitating it. Perhaps I could fool my stomach into thinking I’d eaten a decent amount of food. But my girlfriend forced me to abandon that plan (she could never get the hang of the Heimlich maneuver...) - Right: Am I asking for too much???

I’ve been back twice since then. One time we took the meat platter for 4 people (and no, I didn’t order that for myself—there were actually 4 of us). It was rather filling (the 2 girls are on a diet), but I would rate it 5/10 in terms of taste.

I can however heartily recommend the Bruschetta and the French Fries with Truffle Oil (don’t ask me what the Truffle Oil is—I think they use invisible Truffle Oil…). There are also a couple of really cheap sandwiches which could be worth trying. Though judging by the size of my burger, they could be no more than 5 crumbs of bread...(Right: Girls - forget going to sushi restaurants! Eat at Torro Grill every day!)

Overall, it’s a really good place! There’s also the possibility of sitting by the bar and having a few drinks—so it’s versatile too. Unfortunately when PwC moves into their new office upstairs over the next few weeks, I can see this place getting really busy and therefore losing its quality. Let’s see.

PS: This seems to be fast turning into the new Scandinavia in terms of the expat crowd. Seems that some of the classic expats are become a little more risqué in their ventures. Dear Owner, if there’s something you can do to prevent this, please take action immediately.

Further update: Have been coming here regularly for drinks and cigars. The barmen know my girlfriend, and even give her free drinks (and don't act disappointed when they see she's with me). Have really been enjoying Torro recently, but have not eaten here in a long time. Stay tuned for a food review soon.

DRUZHBA

     Type: Chinese
     Address: Novoslobodskaya ul., 4
     Phone: 8499 973-12-12
     Web: www.drugba.ru/index.php?name=restaurants

     Novoslobodskaya

                                                          Price: 800 rub p/p

                                                               Shit-o-meter: -1 stars

 

HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING FOR AN AUTHENTIC CHINESE RESTAURANT IN MOSCOW???

I mean authentic Chinese-Western. Not authentic Chinese-Chinese. Not the kind of place where your chicken claw is served so undercooked that it looks more like jelly than chicken, and is practically dripping off the chopsticks. I mean Chinese which is so full of MSG that you can’t understand where the Gulaorou starts and the L-glutamate finishes. The kind of Chinese where you know the chicken shouldn’t be grey, but you eat it anyway coz it’s fried and sooo delicious (but mostly because it cost $4 for a decent serve).

I found one! It’s called Druzhba (which has nothing to do with the behaviour of the waiters unfortunately). I think it’s more to do with the Chinese projecting an image of peace and friendship, while quietly exacting a plan of world domination through mass migration.

 (Warning to those travelling to China: If your chicken looks like this - it's overcooked)

First impression was of the okhranik who greeted me with great warmth at the entrance (almost fell over backwards—he was so friendly!). Waiter led me to the table through a labyrinth of small rooms and corridors—the place is deceptively huge! Friendly okhranik? “Deceptive” restaurant layout? Again—Chinese cunning. It’s all part of their plan.

A good sign was that there were a lot of Chinese people eating here! But perhaps that’s because the menu was in Chinese and, therefore the only place they can go and understand what they’re eating. Or possibly they were just Kazakhs being paid to act like Chinese to boost the image of the restaurant. I mean it’s not hard, you just squint your eyes and make noises like “chow ching cho choo”. The Chinese conspiracy deepens!

We got the forest mushrooms, corn, sweet & sour pork, lemon chicken, fried rice, fruit dipped in caramel, plus some Tsingtao beer. Pork and mushrooms were spot on, corn was plain weird and lemon chicken was well off the mark (though thankfully not dripping off the stick). The fruit dessert was excellent and original. To my surprise, the bill came to 3600, which, for four of us comes to around 850 rubles! Was completely full after that (unusual for me).

I’ll come back here for sure. Mainly for the value for money. There aren’t many places you can go these days and overeat, plus drink alcohol for under 1000 rubles.

But perhaps this is part of the “Greater China” plan. Lure people here with value for money, wean them onto a Chinese diet… then BANG (or should I say CHANG) before you know it they’re in control of our governments!(Right: It's already begun...)

Fortunately I feel safe in Russia, as Russians have no idea what value for money is. Therefore this plan could never work...

DOCE UVAS

     Type: Spanish
     Address: Prechistenskaya Nab., 17
     Phone: 695-1625
     Web: www.doceuvas.ru
  
     Kropotkinskaya

     Price: 2000 rub p/p

     Shit-o-meter: -4 stars

             

“Doce Uvas” is Spanish for “Twelve Grapes”, which I think is a perfect reflection of the size and taste of the dishes served at this new “funky ultra-hip” Moscow restaurant. You may also like to refer to the alternative translation of “Uvas” - WARTS (possibly more suitable for this review).

To be honest, I expected something simplistic and laid back. Evidently I forgot I was in Moscow! What I got was complicated and bland. Exactly what I should’ve been expecting…

Doce Uvas is located in “Barkly Plaza” a residential/office complex located on Moscow’s cosmopolitan, and vibrant “Moskva-Reka”. In it’s day, Barkly Plaza was one of the most expensive office/residential complexes in Moscow. You could purchase a flat here for $20,000-$25,000 per square meter or rent and office for $2500/sq .m/year. Now, it’s just a shell. Empty, dirty, rusty. Not a single soul. A reflection of the collapse of Moscow’s pafosny elite in the face of the crisis. Possibly also a reflection of the fact that the building owner has not been able to get his ownership documents yet! In any case, I was happy to come here in order to bask in the failure of this project. (Right: The new Moscow Elite. Instead of buying 250 square meters for $25,000, they but 1 square meter)

We took sangria, two beers, the pea and jamon soup, and two paellas. The technique of serving these dishes is extremely complicated. The soup came in an ultra-fashionable bowl. The bowl contained only a couple of peas and some specks of jamon. The waiter then proceeded to POUR THE SOUP AT THE TABLE! I was overwhelmed by the cutting edge concept! Pouring at the table! I thought that’s what the kitchen was for… Anyway the soupé (let’s call it soupé, as it was way too cool to be just “soup”) was really green and kinda salty. There were about 5-7 crumbs of jamon in it which were crunchy. Reminded me of something I might’ve picked off the bottom of my foot—that psoriasis is also usually red and crunchy… Maybe this is where the alternate translation of “Uvas” comes into play… Anyway, took me about 4-5 spoons to finish this off.

The paella was equally bland. AND WAS ALSO SERVED AT THE TABLE! WTF??? It came in a metal dish with an empty plate. The waiter set the plate down and began scooping the paella from the dish to the plate with a spoon and fork. Why couldn’t this be done in the kitchen??? This only served to annoy me, as I could see the amount of rice which was “unscoopable” from the dish, and therefore WASTED! (Note: having been in Spain recently, I noticed, they have two ways of serving paella. 1. They bring it to the table, but then take it away and serve it onto your plate in a different location where you can't see. 2. They serve it in front of you, but scoop every last bit of rice onto your plate).

The paella was accompanied by one “King” prawn and ONE MUSSEL. There was so much shell on the prawn that it was virtually bullet-proof. In addition, the actual meat was suspiciously soft and gooey, and had a real rank taste. BEWARE THE POLONIUM PRAWN PAELLA!!! (Right: He must've ordered the paella too!)

So I ate mine and my girlfriend’s paella in about 5 mins (poor girl, but she said she’s on a diet). Would’ve been brilliant if I had a passion for the taste of rice! Oh wait—the taste of RICE? WHAT TASTE? IT HAS NO F*CKING TASTE!

The bill was 2,700. Which only served to help me walk out of this place faster as my pocket was a whole lot lighter!

As an afterthought, this place could be cool in the evenings. We sat on the veranda, which had a really nice atmosphere and view. Something terribly lacking in Moscow. However, we must not loose sight of the reason people go to restaurants. I agree - atmosphere, music, ambience etc. all play a part, but at the end of the day it’s the freakin food which keeps people coming back. Am I not mistaken?

DARBAR

     Type: Indian 
     Address: Leninsky Pr., 38. Top floor of Sputnik Hotel
     Phone: 930-29-25
     Web: darbar.ru

     Oktyabrskaya

     Price: 2000 rub p/p

                                            Shit-o-meter: -0.5 stars

         

In my top 2 Moscow restaurants. If you can scrape together a spare 2000 rubles on the weekend, then I strongly advise you to visit this place.

First impressions can deceive. Walking towards this place, I thought I was either approaching an empty Soviet Administrative building, or something resembling the Dzherzhinsk Nauchno-Tekhnicheskoe Uchilishe im. V.I Lenina. The building is not pretty.

However once I was up on the top floor, I was pleasantly surprised by the great view from the restaurants windows, and the great décor. Though, such classy things always make me suspicious in Moscow. It’s normally a sign that I can’t afford to eat here.

Although this turned out to be true, I was none the less more than happy to over-stretch my budget for this fine place.

Highlights:

1. True Indian Service—out of all the times I’ve been here, I’ve NEVER waiting fore than 30 seconds for a beer. Once, when the waiter delivered out curries and rice, he began serving the rice on our platters. For some reason the manager quickly ran over, said something in Hindi, upon which, the waiter removed the plate and rice which he had been serving, and exited to the kitchen in a very subservient manner. In less that 30 seconds, he returned with the rice and a new plate, and continued serving. NOW THAT’S SERVICE. I have no idea why this happened, but it was all done in the most subservient way, that I couldn’t help feeling like a Punjabi king. Next time, I’m gonna pay extra attention to formation of the rice on the plate, just in case! (Right: 8-armed waiter. Possibly the reason they're so efficient!)

2. Spicy food—just when I thought it didn’t exist in Moscow. Normally I find any food in Moscow very bland. I can eat a whole can of “chili” while my Russian friends have a stroke after one mouthful. Here, the spiciness was spot on—instant hearburn! That’s a good sign.

3. Free stuff—yes FREE STUFF IN A MOSCOW RESTAURANT. I’ve been here 3 times, and every time, I’ve received a discount... And I still have no idea why… Indian hospitality? Then, on my birthday, I got free ice-cream and coffee. Unbelievable!

4. No such things as NYETU in this restaurant! (Possibly because the waiters don’t speak Russian). Every meal is always available.

5. Minimal toilet problems afterwards.

Each time I leave this place, I feel content. I feel as if I’ve received true value for money, not like in most restaurants in Moscow. It worth the short marshrutka ride from Oktyabrskaya.

Ordered:
Chicken Tikka Masala
Lamb RoganJosh
Tofu in some kind of green sauce
Some other very spicy dish (possibly vindaloo)
Garlic Naan
Saffron rice
Several beers and whiskies
Papadums

Was completely stuffed after this.

UPDATE:
I've been coming here for two years without fault. But I may be witnessing the downfall of this mighty establishment. The last time I was here, the food was not up to scratch. The lamb was really fatty, and Rogan Josh sauce not tasty and the Tikka Masala NOT creamy. My suspicions were confirmed when my girlfriend went there the other week with some friends. Same thing - only a little bit worse!

Not acceptable. But I've only taken off half a point to give the benefit of the doubt, hoping that this is a temporary phenomenon.

YUGOS

     Type: Serbian
     Address: Nikoloyamskaya ul., 40/22
     Phone: 742-8538
     Web: yugos.ru

     Taganskaya

     Price: 1500 rub. p/p

                                                           Shit-o-meter:

Dobrodošli u Yugos! A unique restaurant by all accounts! Here, you will experience the true embodiment of the warm, generous, and caring Serbian spirit! (don’t laugh)

Upon arriving at Yugos, you’ll immediately notice the interesting décor of the restaurant. It’s fully decked out in the red, white and blue Serbian tricolour. Everything is either red, white, or blue! While some might call this tasteless nationalism, I call it tasteful nationalism. It gives a cosy, clean atmosphere to the place.

The menu will also not disappoint! You’ll be pleasantly surprised by all the classic Serbian dishes—from the traditional delicacy “Beating Heart of Bosnian Woman” to the myasnoe assorti—”Kosovo Detski Sad”. But don’t ask for your meat well done—rare only here.

All jokes aside, I think Muscovites have completely lost sight of what the term “good restaurant” really means. A good restaurant has nothing to do with what DJ is playing, and what music. It’s nothing to do with the luxury interior or the amount of luxurious girls. A “good restaurant” is three things:

Food—good or bad
Service—attentive or lazy
Value for money

With all of the above, the rest of the qualities take care of themselves.

I can proudly say—Yugos fulfills all three categories perfectly. This is a fine example of what a restaurant (any restaurant) should be. Evidence of this can be found in the fact that I spent 5 1/2 hours here last Friday night and got completely smashed! I did not, for a moment, think about how much money I was spending, as the overall experience was too intoxicating and pleasant. (Right: OMG! You gotta try Yugos! The service is so good! The portions are so big! You'll lick your freakin plate clean!)

We took a few Baltikas (@80 rubles each, served in bottles), the pita (excellent), and a few dishes of “pleskavica”. Overall, the quality of food and size of servings was excellent, but I have removed half a point, as I found the food a little uninspiring (not the fault of Yugos, I think it applies to Serbian food in general). Certainly next time, I will be trying a different dish, perhaps I should consult with the waiter. Whisky is extremely well priced also.

There was a musical duo playing that night—guitar + accordion. Towards the end of the night, when we were the only patrons left, the accordion player sat down with us for a chat, and played some music for us—whatever we requested. If he didn’t know the song, we’d sing it and he’d learn it on the spot. We tried to give him a tip for this, but he wouldn’t even take it. I can safely say, that you’ll never find this level of hospitality anywhere in Moscow, EVER. The waiters were also brilliant. I never has an empty glass on the table—for the whole 5.5 hours.

I can see Yugos achieving a zero after the next time I come. Just need to figure out what to order.

Why didn't anyone look in Yugos?

I could've sat there for years too! 

BELAYA LOSHAD (White Horse)

     Type: Eastern
     Address: Strastnoy Bulvar, 15A
     Phone: 964 6819
     Web: No site

     Chekhovskaya

     Price: 1000 rub. p/p (plus service)

     Shit-o-meter: 

 

Yet another ironically named Moscow restaurant! In this case, it’s for two reasons:
1. If you’re a cheapass like me, you'll be familiar with the whisky “White Horse” (Belaya Loshad), sold widely in Moscow’s supermarkets, usually for around 400 rubles a bottle. What’s the irony? They don’t serve it at Belaya Loshad!
2. It’s called “White Horse”, so why is it run by a bunch of “chernozhopy”?

To set the record straight, the place has two advantages:
-A great outdoor terrace during summer
-A humanely priced menu

Whoooaaa boy! The white horse comes to a grinding halt at this point. And turns into a mangy, shit-coloured pony…

Despite the country-and-western style of the restaurant - (it really looks like a saloon!) the food served is “Eastern” and “Russian”. There is not even an attempt to live up to the image it tries to create. What the fuck is the point of this place, then? They could at LEAST PRETEND! How about introducing a Tex-Mex selyodkya burger, or kholodets fajitas, or even a freakin borsch with pinto beans? No, just hard-core sovok food here. I think the “Saloon” idea was just an excuse not to do any remont to the building itself.

And sovok music. I must admit, the idea of having live music is a good one, but why shanson? And why so loud? And why such hard-core shanson? My g/f who grew up in Siberia couldn’t even name half the songs this guy was belting out in his croaky, torturous voice.

Belaya Loshad has the capacity to seat 250 people, which is normally 80% empty, or filled with sovoks drinking tea and eating cakes. My advice—get rid of the f*cking sovok music; get rid of the f*cking sovok food, and you might just fill up some of your tables with CUSTOMERS. I know this is hard to grasp for a Moscow restaurateur—the concept of what a customer is. The concept that a customer may actually be an important factor to consider when opening a restaurant… Oh well. Forget it.

The service is appalling too. I think this must be why they add a 10% “Service” charge onto the bill. They’ve already consigned themselves to the fact that they’re not going to get tips. They need something to pay the waiters with too. Or perhaps it’s a way of convincing customers that they actually are receiving service. So that when you complain that there’s no service coz you’ve been sitting here for 40 minutes waiting for your food—they can bring the bill and say “NO YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG YOU IDIOT CUSTOMER. There IS service! Look! It’s on the bill”. That would be a typical sovok thing to do.
(Note, the service yesterday was vastly improved—privyet Fatima!)

The food is rubbish by the way. The shashlyk I’m convinced is made from rat meat. However, the Alanya Pie is ok. Probably the only thing worth ordering.

I must admit, I’ve had a couple of decent evenings here in summer—thanks to the terrace. It’s something which redeems this place. Plus it’s light on the wallet. So if you’re in the center and feel like having a beer on the cheap, I’d probably recommend either this place, or EvroKafe

Bon appétit!

The people...

 
The food.....

The concept...

YEEEEEEKHHHHHAAAAA!

PANCHO VILLA

     Type: Mexican
     Address: Bolshaya Yakimanka ul., 52
     Phone: 8499 238-52-13
     Web: www.panchovilla.ru

     Oktyabrskaya

                                                                                         Price: 1500 rub. p/p

                                                                                         Shit-o-meter:
                                                                                   

                                                                                        

As you can guess from the name, it’s a Mexican restaurant/club. I’ve been here several times, and have mixed emotions.

The first thing that shitted me off was the entrance fee (I think about 200 rubles). I’ve come here for a meal twice, and had to pay entrance! Don’t know about you, but I find it INCONCEIVABLE to pay an entry fee in order to have a meal!!! As if the food here wasn’t SHIT ENOUGH, but I still have to PAY FOR THE RIGHT to be able to eat it?!?!?!?!?!

Once inside, you’re slapped in the face by the décor (and, in some cases the waiter). Why do Moscow restaurants go so over the top with decorations? They just loooove hanging ugly irrelevant shit on the walls and ceilings!

To sum up very quickly, the food is Mexican and extremely average, though the nachos are good. The cocktails are shit (especially the mojito) and take hours to prepare. The prices would be reasonable if it wasn’t for the entrance fee.

But the thing that shocks me most about this place is the crowd! It sort of what I imagined the Hungry Duck would be like in the mid 90s. On one hand you’ve got the sub-species of human being. The type of people who offend you just by looking at them. They’re fat, always very wet from sweating, and look as if they could spawn an alien life form though their oesophagus at any moment. Then there’s the very humble Russian girls. They stand in groups with one cocktail for 6 girls (usually a mojito) all night, waiting for their true love to come and thrust his pelvis into them and say something like “Hola” (with a heavy Turkish accent). Then they can practice the salsa which they learnt in Hurgada last year and (possibly) score another (second) mojito. (Right: Khola! Khhhhochesh menya?)

Then you’ve got the Latinos who came here with one obvious purpose. They’re kissing the hands of all girls who walk pass. The girls, in turn, seem stupidly flattered by this behaviour, naively not realising that they’ve been targeted for Latino annihilation later on in the night.

This makes me sick to watch. Therefore, when I come here, I try to sit under the stairs (best place for getting quick service). Why do I keep coming here? Basically just for the great live music. It’s hard to find good live music in Moscow, and I love Latin tunes. The band I usually see is really top notch and a pleasure to listen to. And I find that the service here is really attentive.

This place can be useful for 3 reasons:

-“Last resort” when you don’t know where else to go.
-You want to listen to live Latin music
-You are nearing the end of your gestation period and need somewhere to go to give birth through your oesophagus and where people won’t give you strange looks when this happens.

The queue to the toilet - great place for new znakomstvo!