SCANDINAVIA

     Type: Scandinavian
     Address: Maliy Palashevskiy per., 7
     Phone: 937-5630
     Web: www.scandinavia.ru

     Tverskaya

     Price: 2000+ rub p/p

                                                                                        Shit-o-meter: -2 stars

I’ve broken the rules a little by coming here, as I promised my readers I would not review ludicrously expensive restaurants. However, due to high expat readership—Scandinavia needed to be done.

If you’re not familiar with it—Scandinavia is the home of the hardest of hardcore expats. The types who either have been here for 15 years and still can’t order themselves a beer in Russian, or have just arrived and still carry the look of fear on their faces when walking along the Moscow streets. The type that can not accept Russian culture, and takes refuge in places like this for it’s “Western” style (i.e. boring—something the Scandinavians achieve PARTICULARLY well).

The name “Scandinavia” says a lot for it. For those expats who have been here for six months, and still haven’t worked up the courage to leave the hotel, going to a place called “Scandinavia” couldn’t seem SAFER or more NORMAL. Just the type of boring, lame and frigid entertainment that these expats need in their self-contained sheltered little executive lives. Here, they get service in English and prices in Euros (with an explanation that the Euro prices are simply a benchmark, and that you can’t actually pay with Euros—only rubles… What’s a “ruble” you ask?)

I walked through the gate and through the outdoor terrace upon which I saw about 15 familiar faces. I waded through the sea of acquaintances, stopping at each one and feigning friendliness, engaging in typical expat banter.. Ugh. My g/f and I had to take refuge indoors where no-one else was sitting, as my energy levels were already being sucked dry. We took the lounge chairs to the right of the stairs.

We took a couple of beers @ 250 rubles each (what’s that in Euros??? Oh wait… I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!). The beer was extremely good. Quality was immediately noticeable.

Next we took a club sandwich to share (couldn’t afford one each), and a tapas dish which was bascially small prawns in some kind of goo. It cost 250 rubles and could fit in the palm of my hand. My g/f described it as “nu v printsipe normalno”. But when you get a dish for that price which fits in the palm of your hand—the reaction should not be “normalno” but more like “Okhuet”. Club sandwich came with fries which were ok (over 500 rubles). I particularly enjoyed the selection of sauces which they brought to the table—mustard, ketchup, HP sauce. That was probably the highlight of the meal. (Right: Охуеть!)

We then took a couple of cocktails—Margarita and Cosmopolitan. Couldn’t taste neither tequila nor vodka in either of them.

One thing I would like to say, is that when you’re eating at Scandinavia, you feel special. You feel rich and successful—like you’ve “made it” in life. However, after entering the zhiguli which I flagged on Tverskaya afterwards—this feeling was mercilessly crushed...

2009 Lykkelig Pengeskåp Vennlig Bjørn Party at Scandinavia. Got so wild that paramedics had to be called in with asthma pumps and wet face napkins. 11 patrons were treated, and saved from potential tragedy!