ЯusЯesЯev: BELAYA LOSHAD (White Horse)

     Type: Eastern
     Address: Strastnoy Bulvar, 15A
     Phone: 964 6819
     Web: No site

     Chekhovskaya

     Price: 1000 rub. p/p (plus service)

     Shit-o-meter:

Yet another ironically named Moscow restaurant! In this case, it’s for two reasons:
1. If you’re a cheapass like me, you'll be familiar with the whisky “White Horse” (Belaya Loshad), sold widely in Moscow’s supermarkets, usually for around 400 rubles a bottle. What’s the irony? They don’t serve it at Belaya Loshad!
2. It’s called “White Horse”, so why is it run by a bunch of “chernozhopy”?

To set the record straight, the place has two advantages:
-A great outdoor terrace during summer
-A humanely priced menu

Whoooaaa boy! The white horse comes to a grinding halt at this point. And turns into a mangy, shit-coloured pony…

Despite the country-and-western style of the restaurant - (it really looks like a saloon!) the food served is “Eastern” and “Russian”. There is not even an attempt to live up to the image it tries to create. What the fuck is the point of this place, then? They could at LEAST PRETEND! How about introducing a Tex-Mex selyodkya burger, or kholodets fajitas, or even a freakin borsch with pinto beans? No, just hard-core sovok food here. I think the “Saloon” idea was just an excuse not to do any remont to the building itself.

And sovok music. I must admit, the idea of having live music is a good one, but why shanson? And why so loud? And why such hard-core shanson? My g/f who grew up in Siberia couldn’t even name half the songs this guy was belting out in his croaky, torturous voice.

Belaya Loshad has the capacity to seat 250 people, which is normally 80% empty, or filled with sovoks drinking tea and eating cakes. My advice—get rid of the f*cking sovok music; get rid of the f*cking sovok food, and you might just fill up some of your tables with CUSTOMERS. I know this is hard to grasp for a Moscow restaurateur—the concept of what a customer is. The concept that a customer may actually be an important factor to consider when opening a restaurant… Oh well. Forget it.

The service is appalling too. I think this must be why they add a 10% “Service” charge onto the bill. They’ve already consigned themselves to the fact that they’re not going to get tips. They need something to pay the waiters with too. Or perhaps it’s a way of convincing customers that they actually are receiving service. So that when you complain that there’s no service coz you’ve been sitting here for 40 minutes waiting for your food—they can bring the bill and say “NO YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG YOU IDIOT CUSTOMER. There IS service! Look! It’s on the bill”. That would be a typical sovok thing to do.
(Note, the service yesterday was vastly improved—privyet Fatima!)

The food is rubbish by the way. The shashlyk I’m convinced is made from rat meat. However, the Alanya Pie is ok. Probably the only thing worth ordering.

I must admit, I’ve had a couple of decent evenings here in summer—thanks to the terrace. It’s something which redeems this place. Plus it’s light on the wallet. So if you’re in the center and feel like having a beer on the cheap, I’d probably recommend either this place, or EvroKafe

Bon appétit!